Sunday, January 10, 2010

Finding the Right Partner In Crime (Part 1)

I have no illusions of myself as a rugged loner, a rock or an island. My stoic self-reliance stops at ticks and leeches. Therefore, to hike I (and by extension you) must have a partner in crime. But not just anyone will do.

When evaluating potential partners, consider the following:

Will this person tolerate me, under said conditions and circumstances?
Will they appreciate or at least have patience with my idiosyncrasies?
Which of my foibles is most likely to be problematic while executing this particular crime?

If you know your own idiosyncrasies you can combat or counter weight their negative effects. Mine happen to involve fickle knees, food intolerances and a penchant for stopping, stalling and dawdling at every opportunity. I know this and am prepared to bat my eyelashes, give flowery apologies and/or make other overtures of goodwill.

That is, unless I am livid. Do not assume that the partner for one kind of crime will be a good partner for all kinds of crime. If you can’t tolerate them, whether or not they can tolerate you quickly becomes a moot point.

My husband, for example, has been and continues to be an exemplary partner in the crime of marriage, but on the trail he devolves into a thumper-thumpin’ fern-nostrilled boobie of a bad, bad guy. See above illustration.

He flies down the trail with nary a backward glance, leaving me wishing for herculean strength, so I can lob the closest boulder at him. It would take herculean strength because he’s always so very far ahead.

Do not hike with people who bring out your homicidal tendencies. Do not be surprised if people whom you love and adore bring out your homicidal tendencies. Do hike with a partner especially if committing a crime. Oh, and never get leeches.

[Photo Credit: Hey that's not a photo, it's a drawing. After inventing my new favorite G-rated explicative I had to find a picture. None existed. Undeterred I got out a pen, some paper and a scanner. It is, of course, a tightly furled Ostrich Fern in that nostril. They're edible.]
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  1. Wow, now I know what that mysterious drawing is about. Is John Chris commenting?

  2. My husband edits these blog posts. This week had him chuckling extra hard. He has a good sense of humor.

  3. Why do I keep focusing on the fact that John Chris's nostril contains something edible?

  4. Do not be disconcerted, Jose. Most children prove over and over again that we all have something edible up our noses.

  5. After reading your post, I realize I need to get outside. I am starting to blend in with the coach.
    My partner in crime shall be Samson (the dog). Hence, he is also an avid supporter of your blog :)

  6. Oh yes, dogs can make the perfect partner in crime!